haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
