We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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