K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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