Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
