I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
