I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
