If i could tip my vagina, i would.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Congratulations! We have a period
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