You smell like a Billy Joel song
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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