I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
