mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
