didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
