You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
