when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
