I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
