nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
