Banned from zoo.
Again?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
