I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
