You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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