I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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