There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
