There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
