mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
