I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
