If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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