whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
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I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You left your phone here
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