You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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