I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
And then he peed in my hair
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