sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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