I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
