She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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