in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
