Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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