im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
