Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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