I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need to stop coming to work sober
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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