That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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