If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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