we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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