Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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