I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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