haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
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I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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