DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
