You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
