The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
