As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Fuck appropriateness.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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