my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
