I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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