1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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