Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
