wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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