Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
