Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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