totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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