oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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