I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
