apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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