and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
