Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
