I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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