i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
