I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
